Over-Apologizing: How to Break the Habit
Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.
Public Speaking and Questioning
This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.
Exploring the Causes
A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.
In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.
Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.
Actionable Tips
Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.
Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.
This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.
