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On this Christmas morning, do you fret you didn’t choose quite the right present for that someone special? I constantly strive, yet wherever I look the suggestions flood in with unhelpful suggestions. No, I don’t want a scented wax that smells like turkey, because we're preparing the bird itself. Nor do I want a sunrise alarm clock, because opening the curtains open works just fine. I certainly do not want a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, because said DNA comes from fish semen. Were I seeking aquatic semen applied to my skin, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.

Finding Inspiration From the Animal Kingdom

Therefore, if you’re always looking for inspiration, my advice is: take a lesson from wildlife. Humans didn’t invent gifting. This tradition has existed for at least a hundred million years, well before our species evolved. Aided from natural selection, this has given wild animals ample time to perfect gift-giving. Indeed, some spiders even gift-wrap their offerings!

Excluding fitness gear and other things I don’t like, we can identify five categories of holiday presents: food, things for the home, bling, beauty products and apparel. Nature's creatures excels in every category.

Culinary Presents: From Protein Snacks to Artisan Kebabs

Brazilian cuckoos give their partners high-protein snacks including bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. However, for those who like your meat shished, then look to the great grey shrike, or Lanius excubitor. Males impale their catch, like insects and mice, on sharp thorns and twigs to create artisan kebabs.

Some insects gift their beaus salivary offerings, yet these are not ordinary globs. These represent scorpionfly spitballs, crafted with only the finest saliva from the engorged labial glands of only the fittest males. The delicacy is packed with nutrients, a key reason why females prefer males with larger gifts.

Another reason involves the most genetically robust males make the biggest spitballs. By "fit" I don’t mean “looks great in a leather jacket”, although they probably do. I refer to “fit” in the genetic sense.

The gifts are offered as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the largest gift, the female is selecting genetic quality. She then consumes the gift while mating but ends copulation the moment it’s all gone. Bigger spitballs mean longer copulation times, where the male can transfer additional sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This clarifies why he bothers creating such an intricate present.

Homeware and Shiny Objects

These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do present things for the home. In Antarctica, where they live, there is no home improvement store, so the penguins must gather their gifts from the local landscape. Each breeding season, males collect pebbles and start making a nest. These crucial components are scarce, prompting some chancers to steal pebbles from nearby nests. However, when a male gives a pebble to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Think of it as the penguin equivalent of an engagement ring. The rock doesn’t go on her finger, though. If she also is interested, she takes the gift and places it into the nest. Then, after a few final adjustments, they are ready to raise a family.

Regarding bling, corvids are masters at this gift category. There are many accounts exist of individuals who made friends with wild corvids and later received bottle tops, fasteners, fastenings and various glittering objects. In one notable case, a couple in Florida even received a diamond bracelet from a crow they fed regularly. This is particularly endearing because while many creatures offer gifts in the hope of scoring, crows seem to give simply for the joy of it.

The Ultimate Combination Gift: Sponges

In Western Australia, dolphins have been spotted collecting pieces of sea sponge from the ocean floor and utilizing them in interesting ways. Sometimes, while foraging for food, they place the sponges over their rostrum to help protect their sensitive snouts. At other times, when males want to woo females, they don them as playful headwear before presenting them as presents.

By doing this, dolphins ingeniously merge two final categories of Christmas gift. Marine sponges are clothing and skin protection. To make it even better, when males present their sponge gifts, they frequently adopt a U-shaped “banana pose” and play a little tune via their blowhole.

This stands in contrast to the half-arsed giving from pets – such as a cat presenting a deceased rodent in an obscure corner – or some people. Dolphin presents are thoughtful, multipurpose, sustainably sourced and presented with panache. There is a lesson for all of us. A famous singer claims that the only desire for Christmas is a loved one, but if I have single holiday wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector by a dolphin who serenades me with style.